With the Presidential Election season in full swing, this week I'm going to take a look at all of the contenders for the highest office in our fair land. In no particular order, here are the nominees:
Gene Amon
dson, Prohibition Party: Gene Amondson, a minister from Alaska, has one issue he's running on: the prohibition of alcohol. He bases his platform on the sermons of prohibition-era pastor Billy Sunday, who must have been a buzz-kill at parties. Gene blames alcohol on everything from illiteracy to the national debt, and preaches his message while dressed as the Grim Reaper waving around bottles of wine. While his puritan ideals will be a big hit in Amish and Mennonite communities, he has little to no chance of winning any of the states in the Upper-Mid-West, where alcoholism is viewed as a winter sport and not a disease.
Barack Obama, Democratic Party: The fan favorite. Very realistic campaign slogan in "Can you Spare Some Change for America?", which is good seeing that whoever does end up Prez will inherent the largest national debt in the history of the world. Tends to focus on talking to small children about the Bears offense while ignoring local media at press events. Has the best shooting percentage from the key of all the candidates, and his ball-control skills are second-to-none. Recently had ankle surgery to allow him to instantly and fluidly switch positions depending on what his opposition is. If elected, America is pretty much guaranteed a win over France in the UN-Inventational Basketball Tourney next year.
Jackson 
Kirk Grimes, United Fascist Union: The UFU is a party based on the ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, so right off the bat you know this guy means business. Candidates typically tend to shy away from tyrannical despots, but seeing that Grimey is embracing them, you know he'll be an honest candidate. Plus, seeing that 10 out of 10 Americans hate politics more than dental visits, he might have an outside chance, being that a vote for Fascism is probably the last vote you'll ever have to cast. Grimes also portrayed Hitler on an old episode of Star Trek, which means he's got the ever elusive "Trekki" vote locked. He also has the best choice in hats of all the candidates, which gives him a win in my book.
John McCain, Republican Party: The "Renegade" candidate, thoug
h I think that refers to his bowels more than a Lorenzo Lamas like demeanor. Has recently been endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans and spoken at the Sturgis Motorcycle rally, which actually makes sense if you think about it. Rumored to be more cancer than man, like a demented twist on the "Six-Million Dollar Man", or a CyberMan made of melanoma for you Doctor Who fans. Hasn't been laid in over 20 years, which coincidentally is the last time he studied world geography. A true Reagan Republican, insofar as he can't remember where he was 15 minutes ago. Knowing how politics work, he'll probably win, just so liberal-pissy whiners who forgot to vote have something to bitch about for four more years.
Ralph Nader, Egotistical Wack-Job Party: No one has been paying attention to the man who invented seat-belts, so he's running for president again. Is secretly a die-hard republican, and is proud to have single handedly put the worst president in the history of the universe in office. Hates big-business, hates pollution, probably hates cute puppies and your kid sister too. Is so fucking insane that he claims he could have magically prevented 9-11 through campaign promises he never made. Seriously, this guy is a douche.
Paris Hilton, The I'm Hot You're Not Party: Dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore who is famous for being a dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore. Has the most comprehensive energy plan of all the candidates, which says a lot about America.
Hilary Clinton, The Fuck America Party: The Bret Favre of the 2008 Elections. Lacking confidence that Ralph Nader can steal the election again for the Republicans, Clinton is maybe possibly thinking about maybe asking her supporters to possibly vote for her at the Democratic convention, thus throwing the Democratic party into a raging shit-storm of indecisiveness, crushing the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans dreaming of a brighter future (which I think is the official slogan of the Democratic Party since Howard Dean became chairman).
There you go, the best of the best we have to choose from for President of the Greatest Nation on Earth. You'll have to excuse me now, I have to go check how much bus fare is to Canada.
Barack Obama, Democratic Party: The fan favorite. Very realistic campaign slogan in "Can you Spare Some Change for America?", which is good seeing that whoever does end up Prez will inherent the largest national debt in the history of the world. Tends to focus on talking to small children about the Bears offense while ignoring local media at press events. Has the best shooting percentage from the key of all the candidates, and his ball-control skills are second-to-none. Recently had ankle surgery to allow him to instantly and fluidly switch positions depending on what his opposition is. If elected, America is pretty much guaranteed a win over France in the UN-Inventational Basketball Tourney next year.
h I think that refers to his bowels more than a Lorenzo Lamas like demeanor. Has recently been endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans and spoken at the Sturgis Motorcycle rally, which actually makes sense if you think about it. Rumored to be more cancer than man, like a demented twist on the "Six-Million Dollar Man", or a CyberMan made of melanoma for you Doctor Who fans. Hasn't been laid in over 20 years, which coincidentally is the last time he studied world geography. A true Reagan Republican, insofar as he can't remember where he was 15 minutes ago. Knowing how politics work, he'll probably win, just so liberal-pissy whiners who forgot to vote have something to bitch about for four more years.
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