Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Yep, Your Youtube Comment Ended Up in the New Yorker

Thursday, August 7, 2008

And the Nominees Are...

With the Presidential Election season in full swing, this week I'm going to take a look at all of the contenders for the highest office in our fair land. In no particular order, here are the nominees:

Gene Amondson, Prohibition Party: Gene Amondson, a minister from Alaska, has one issue he's running on: the prohibition of alcohol. He bases his platform on the sermons of prohibition-era pastor Billy Sunday, who must have been a buzz-kill at parties. Gene blames alcohol on everything from illiteracy to the national debt, and preaches his message while dressed as the Grim Reaper waving around bottles of wine. While his puritan ideals will be a big hit in Amish and Mennonite communities, he has little to no chance of winning any of the states in the Upper-Mid-West, where alcoholism is viewed as a winter sport and not a disease.

Barack Obama, Democratic Party: The fan favorite. Very realistic campaign slogan in "Can you Spare Some Change for America?", which is good seeing that whoever does end up Prez will inherent the largest national debt in the history of the world. Tends to focus on talking to small children about the Bears offense while ignoring local media at press events. Has the best shooting percentage from the key of all the candidates, and his ball-control skills are second-to-none. Recently had ankle surgery to allow him to instantly and fluidly switch positions depending on what his opposition is. If elected, America is pretty much guaranteed a win over France in the UN-Inventational Basketball Tourney next year.

Kirk Grimes, United Fascist Union: The UFU is a party based on the ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, so right off the bat you know this guy means business. Candidates typically tend to shy away from tyrannical despots, but seeing that Grimey is embracing them, you know he'll be an honest candidate. Plus, seeing that 10 out of 10 Americans hate politics more than dental visits, he might have an outside chance, being that a vote for Fascism is probably the last vote you'll ever have to cast. Grimes also portrayed Hitler on an old episode of Star Trek, which means he's got the ever elusive "Trekki" vote locked. He also has the best choice in hats of all the candidates, which gives him a win in my book.

John McCain, Republican Party: The "Renegade" candidate, though I think that refers to his bowels more than a Lorenzo Lamas like demeanor. Has recently been endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans and spoken at the Sturgis Motorcycle rally, which actually makes sense if you think about it. Rumored to be more cancer than man, like a demented twist on the "Six-Million Dollar Man", or a CyberMan made of melanoma for you Doctor Who fans. Hasn't been laid in over 20 years, which coincidentally is the last time he studied world geography. A true Reagan Republican, insofar as he can't remember where he was 15 minutes ago. Knowing how politics work, he'll probably win, just so liberal-pissy whiners who forgot to vote have something to bitch about for four more years.

Ralph Nader, Egotistical Wack-Job Party: No one has been paying attention to the man who invented seat-belts, so he's running for president again. Is secretly a die-hard republican, and is proud to have single handedly put the worst president in the history of the universe in office. Hates big-business, hates pollution, probably hates cute puppies and your kid sister too. Is so fucking insane that he claims he could have magically prevented 9-11 through campaign promises he never made. Seriously, this guy is a douche.

Paris Hilton, The I'm Hot You're Not Party
: Dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore who is famous for being a dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore. Has the most comprehensive energy plan of all the candidates, which says a lot about America.

Hilary Clinton, The Fuck America Party: The Bret Favre of the 2008 Elections. Lacking confidence that Ralph Nader can steal the election again for the Republicans, Clinton is maybe possibly thinking about maybe asking her supporters to possibly vote for her at the Democratic convention, thus throwing the Democratic party into a raging shit-storm of indecisiveness, crushing the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans dreaming of a brighter future (which I think is the official slogan of the Democratic Party since Howard Dean became chairman).

There you go, the best of the best we have to choose from for President of the Greatest Nation on Earth. You'll have to excuse me now, I have to go check how much bus fare is to Canada.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Will Entertain, But Why?

PZ Myers has apparently agreed to a radio debate with the great theologian Ray Comfort. Comfort is most famous for having a child molestor's moustache and believing that a banana is proof that Jesus loves you.

If there is such a thing as a respected theologian, which there isn't, Comfort obviously does not fit the mold. There are three rules that I use to determine whether a person in any field is worthy of respect.

1.) Does this person have a child molestor's moustache?
2.) Does this person think that bananas are proof of Jesus?
3.) Does this person work with Kirk Cameron?

Comfort fails all three smell tests, and probably more. The brilliant Myers confounds me by agreeing to this, because it lends credence to the notion that Ray Comfort should be afforded the respect of debating a brilliant biologist who is being considered (albeit slightly) for the Simonyi Chair.

Myers realizes this, and says on his blog:

My opponent is…
Really, I'm embarrassed to say it…
My opponent is…Ray Comfort

Still, I can't wait. It'll be like watching Mike Tyson in his prime step into the ring against Elton John. It'll be like the Steelers of the '70's playing against the Vienna Boys' Choir.

EDIT TO ADD: Almost forgot. The 'debate' will be Tuesday, August 5th at 10:00 AM on WDAY AM out of Fargo.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Definitely NOT a Douche

Last Friday, four people were arrested after attempting to preform a citizens arrest on Karl Rove. These four people, three of which work for the Des Moines Catholic Workers Community, were cited for trespassing and released.

The group accused Rove of a handful of crimes, including treason, sediton, subversive activities, and responsibility for acts leading to the deaths of 300,000+ Iraqi's and 4,000 US soldiers.

Good for them. Really, this is the type of civil disobedience we need more of in this country. What these people did may seem like a futile effort, but it gained some (minor) media attention, which refreshes in peoples minds the outright atrocities our current administration has gotten away with.

One of these brave citizens, Mona Shaw, was on a talk-radio show this morning, which I had an opportunity to listen to. She spoke of for years writing letters to newspapers and Congress, attending rallies and protests, doing everything she could think of. Nothing worked, nothing brought about any change, or even continued a dialogue on the crimes these criminal politicians have perpetrated. That's when she (and some of her friends) came up with the idea of "taking the law into their own hands", as it were.

Mona fully realizes that her attempt (actually 2nd attempt, she tried this in March as well) would not be successful, but all she was hoping to get was some attention to this issue, and to get people to at least talk about this, instead of letting the Bush administration skate freely into history. She knew she would not succeed, but tried anyway out of a sense of civic duty. She remarked on the talk-show "it may not have worked with only four of us, but if we show up next time with 4,000, we might get somewhere". Fuck yeah, that's what I like to hear.

I have to salute the bravery of Mona as well. She's got bigger balls than I do, to face all the public criticism she is facing for her actions. While there were a few supportive calls, by and large those that called in were rabid in their anger towards her, accusing her from being ignorant of history to being a "terrorist-lover" and "un-american". She handled it all with grace that is seldom seen, even in the face of the Fox-news loving wacko's who spilled nothing but hate towards her over the air.

So I salute you and your friends, Mona Shaw. Even though I may disagree with you regarding some things (such as Catholicism), if there were more people like you this country wouldn't have been in the shit-hole it has been for the last eight years.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Indiana Wiccan Successfully Casts "Spell of Irony"

A woman in Lebanon, Ind., accidentally stabbed herself in the foot while performing a ritual giving thanks for a run of good luck. Katherine Gunther, whom I'm assuming has some bad-ass LARPer name like "Lady Osh'Gosh'B'gosh of the Red Snapper Moon and Queen of the Kaled", was performing the ceremony in a cemetery 20 miles NW of Indianapolis. Come on, a cemetery? Who's she giving thanks to, a field of rotting corpses? You know what, I think I've seen this particularly shitty episode of Charmed. I know the First Amendment (hallowed be thy name) protects this woman's freedom to practice her bat-shit crazy "spiritual" beliefs, but some people need to leave the sharp objects at home and stick to D&D.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dad's Pure Balls

What could be sexier than going on a date with your dad?

The girls generally range in age from college down to the tiny 4-year-old dressed all in purple who has climbed up into her father's arms to be carried. Some are in their first high heels--you can tell by the way they walk, like uncertain baby giraffes. Randy Wilson, co-inventor of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball, offers a blessing: he calls on the men to be good and loving listeners, tender, gracious and truthful. And he prays that the girls might "step into the world with strength and passion, to lead this generation."

I was trying to decide what the creepiest aspect of the purity ball phenomenon is. The fact that it's a phenomenon at all, or that Time magazine gave such fawning treatment to this sickness, or that these shitgoblins named one of their daughters "Khrystian."

Randy and his wife Lisa Wilson believe in celebrating God's design and life's little growth spurts. But the origin of the purity-ball movement was not so much about their five daughters; it was about the fathers Randy saw who, he says, didn't know what their place was in the lives of their daughters.

Seems to me these girls are being denied life's little spurts, but whatever. If you can stomach this article to the end you'll meet a dude at the ball whose seed has found purchase nine times in seven different uteruses.
Three of his daughters are with him tonight, including 10-year-old Taylor. I asked what purity means to her. "I don't really know," she says, and she's shy about talking about all this. "But it means you make a promise to your dad to be a virgin until you are married and not have a lot of boyfriends."

Dad has been spelunking strange vaginas since jump but he expects his own spawn to keep their little hymens intact. Until when? They hook up with an awesome dude like pop?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Exposing the Racism Inherent in Physics

Now that I've joined the fast-paced, exciting world of blogging, I feel that my posts, while being the height of edumacagament, should also focus on all the people making a stand every day, fighting to make the world a better place. So today I'll will highlight the brave actions of Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price, and his fight to end the inherent racism in physic terminology.

At a recent County Commissioner meeting
, Commissioner Dennis Mayfield, a white man, referred to how traffic and parking tickets disappear without getting processed like they fell into a "Black Hole". John Wiley Davis, the Rosa Parks of County Commissioner Meetings regarding parking fines, boldly stood up to this oppression via scientific terms of astrophysics by declaring Mayfield a racist. Good for him. It's about time someone took a stand by exposing how the unbelievably offensive term "black hole" paints a negative stigma on the African-American community. Hopefully next meeting he'll address how antiquated it is to refer to quarks as "colored".