And the Nominees Are...

With the Presidential Election season in full swing, this week I'm going to take a look at all of the contenders for the highest office in our fair land. In no particular order, here are the nominees:


Gene Amondson, Prohibition Party: Gene Amondson, a minister from Alaska, has one issue he's running on: the prohibition of alcohol. He bases his platform on the sermons of prohibition-era pastor Billy Sunday, who must have been a buzz-kill at parties. Gene blames alcohol on everything from illiteracy to the national debt, and preaches his message while dressed as the Grim Reaper waving around bottles of wine. While his puritan ideals will be a big hit in Amish and Mennonite communities, he has little to no chance of winning any of the states in the Upper-Mid-West, where alcoholism is viewed as a winter sport and not a disease.

Barack Obama, Democratic Party: The fan favorite. Very realistic campaign slogan in "Can you Spare Some Change for America?", which is good seeing that whoever does end up Prez will inherent the largest national debt in the history of the world. Tends to focus on talking to small children about the Bears offense while ignoring local media at press events. Has the best shooting percentage from the key of all the candidates, and his ball-control skills are second-to-none. Recently had ankle surgery to allow him to instantly and fluidly switch positions depending on what his opposition is. If elected, America is pretty much guaranteed a win over France in the UN-Inventational Basketball Tourney next year.


Jackson Kirk Grimes, United Fascist Union: The UFU is a party based on the ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, so right off the bat you know this guy means business. Candidates typically tend to shy away from tyrannical despots, but seeing that Grimey is embracing them, you know he'll be an honest candidate. Plus, seeing that 10 out of 10 Americans hate politics more than dental visits, he might have an outside chance, being that a vote for Fascism is probably the last vote you'll ever have to cast. Grimes also portrayed Hitler on an old episode of Star Trek, which means he's got the ever elusive "Trekki" vote locked. He also has the best choice in hats of all the candidates, which gives him a win in my book.


John McCain, Republican Party: The "Renegade" candidate, though I think that refers to his bowels more than a Lorenzo Lamas like demeanor. Has recently been endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans and spoken at the Sturgis Motorcycle rally, which actually makes sense if you think about it. Rumored to be more cancer than man, like a demented twist on the "Six-Million Dollar Man", or a CyberMan made of melanoma for you Doctor Who fans. Hasn't been laid in over 20 years, which coincidentally is the last time he studied world geography. A true Reagan Republican, insofar as he can't remember where he was 15 minutes ago. Knowing how politics work, he'll probably win, just so liberal-pissy whiners who forgot to vote have something to bitch about for four more years.



Ralph Nader, Egotistical Wack-Job Party: No one has been paying attention to the man who invented seat-belts, so he's running for president again. Is secretly a die-hard republican, and is proud to have single handedly put the worst president in the history of the universe in office. Hates big-business, hates pollution, probably hates cute puppies and your kid sister too. Is so fucking insane that he claims he could have magically prevented 9-11 through campaign promises he never made. Seriously, this guy is a douche.




Paris Hilton, The I'm Hot You're Not Party: Dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore who is famous for being a dim-witted, egotistical, insanely rich for no good reason whore. Has the most comprehensive energy plan of all the candidates, which says a lot about America.



Hilary Clinton, The Fuck America Party: The Bret Favre of the 2008 Elections. Lacking confidence that Ralph Nader can steal the election again for the Republicans, Clinton is maybe possibly thinking about maybe asking her supporters to possibly vote for her at the Democratic convention, thus throwing the Democratic party into a raging shit-storm of indecisiveness, crushing the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans dreaming of a brighter future (which I think is the official slogan of the Democratic Party since Howard Dean became chairman).

There you go, the best of the best we have to choose from for President of the Greatest Nation on Earth. You'll have to excuse me now, I have to go check how much bus fare is to Canada.

Will Entertain, But Why?

PZ Myers has apparently agreed to a radio debate with the great theologian Ray Comfort. Comfort is most famous for having a child molestor's moustache and believing that a banana is proof that Jesus loves you.

If there is such a thing as a respected theologian, which there isn't, Comfort obviously does not fit the mold. There are three rules that I use to determine whether a person in any field is worthy of respect.

1.) Does this person have a child molestor's moustache?
2.) Does this person think that bananas are proof of Jesus?
3.) Does this person work with Kirk Cameron?

Comfort fails all three smell tests, and probably more. The brilliant Myers confounds me by agreeing to this, because it lends credence to the notion that Ray Comfort should be afforded the respect of debating a brilliant biologist who is being considered (albeit slightly) for the Simonyi Chair.

Myers realizes this, and says on his blog:

My opponent is…
Really, I'm embarrassed to say it…
My opponent is…Ray Comfort

Still, I can't wait. It'll be like watching Mike Tyson in his prime step into the ring against Elton John. It'll be like the Steelers of the '70's playing against the Vienna Boys' Choir.

EDIT TO ADD: Almost forgot. The 'debate' will be Tuesday, August 5th at 10:00 AM on WDAY AM out of Fargo.

Definitely NOT a Douche

Last Friday, four people were arrested after attempting to preform a citizens arrest on Karl Rove. These four people, three of which work for the Des Moines Catholic Workers Community, were cited for trespassing and released.

The group accused Rove of a handful of crimes, including treason, sediton, subversive activities, and responsibility for acts leading to the deaths of 300,000+ Iraqi's and 4,000 US soldiers.

Good for them. Really, this is the type of civil disobedience we need more of in this country. What these people did may seem like a futile effort, but it gained some (minor) media attention, which refreshes in peoples minds the outright atrocities our current administration has gotten away with.

One of these brave citizens, Mona Shaw, was on a talk-radio show this morning, which I had an opportunity to listen to. She spoke of for years writing letters to newspapers and Congress, attending rallies and protests, doing everything she could think of. Nothing worked, nothing brought about any change, or even continued a dialogue on the crimes these criminal politicians have perpetrated. That's when she (and some of her friends) came up with the idea of "taking the law into their own hands", as it were.

Mona fully realizes that her attempt (actually 2nd attempt, she tried this in March as well) would not be successful, but all she was hoping to get was some attention to this issue, and to get people to at least talk about this, instead of letting the Bush administration skate freely into history. She knew she would not succeed, but tried anyway out of a sense of civic duty. She remarked on the talk-show "it may not have worked with only four of us, but if we show up next time with 4,000, we might get somewhere". Fuck yeah, that's what I like to hear.

I have to salute the bravery of Mona as well. She's got bigger balls than I do, to face all the public criticism she is facing for her actions. While there were a few supportive calls, by and large those that called in were rabid in their anger towards her, accusing her from being ignorant of history to being a "terrorist-lover" and "un-american". She handled it all with grace that is seldom seen, even in the face of the Fox-news loving wacko's who spilled nothing but hate towards her over the air.

So I salute you and your friends, Mona Shaw. Even though I may disagree with you regarding some things (such as Catholicism), if there were more people like you this country wouldn't have been in the shit-hole it has been for the last eight years.

Indiana Wiccan Successfully Casts "Spell of Irony"

A woman in Lebanon, Ind., accidentally stabbed herself in the foot while performing a ritual giving thanks for a run of good luck. Katherine Gunther, whom I'm assuming has some bad-ass LARPer name like "Lady Osh'Gosh'B'gosh of the Red Snapper Moon and Queen of the Kaled", was performing the ceremony in a cemetery 20 miles NW of Indianapolis. Come on, a cemetery? Who's she giving thanks to, a field of rotting corpses? You know what, I think I've seen this particularly shitty episode of Charmed. I know the First Amendment (hallowed be thy name) protects this woman's freedom to practice her bat-shit crazy "spiritual" beliefs, but some people need to leave the sharp objects at home and stick to D&D.

Dad's Pure Balls

What could be sexier than going on a date with your dad?

The girls generally range in age from college down to the tiny 4-year-old dressed all in purple who has climbed up into her father's arms to be carried. Some are in their first high heels--you can tell by the way they walk, like uncertain baby giraffes. Randy Wilson, co-inventor of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball, offers a blessing: he calls on the men to be good and loving listeners, tender, gracious and truthful. And he prays that the girls might "step into the world with strength and passion, to lead this generation."

I was trying to decide what the creepiest aspect of the purity ball phenomenon is. The fact that it's a phenomenon at all, or that Time magazine gave such fawning treatment to this sickness, or that these shitgoblins named one of their daughters "Khrystian."

Randy and his wife Lisa Wilson believe in celebrating God's design and life's little growth spurts. But the origin of the purity-ball movement was not so much about their five daughters; it was about the fathers Randy saw who, he says, didn't know what their place was in the lives of their daughters.

Seems to me these girls are being denied life's little spurts, but whatever. If you can stomach this article to the end you'll meet a dude at the ball whose seed has found purchase nine times in seven different uteruses.

Three of his daughters are with him tonight, including 10-year-old Taylor. I asked what purity means to her. "I don't really know," she says, and she's shy about talking about all this. "But it means you make a promise to your dad to be a virgin until you are married and not have a lot of boyfriends."

Dad has been spelunking strange vaginas since jump but he expects his own spawn to keep their little hymens intact. Until when? They hook up with an awesome dude like pop?

Exposing the Racism Inherent in Physics

Now that I've joined the fast-paced, exciting world of blogging, I feel that my posts, while being the height of edumacagament, should also focus on all the people making a stand every day, fighting to make the world a better place. So today I'll will highlight the brave actions of Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price, and his fight to end the inherent racism in physic terminology.

At a recent County Commissioner meeting, Commissioner Dennis Mayfield, a white man, referred to how traffic and parking tickets disappear without getting processed like they fell into a "Black Hole". John Wiley Davis, the Rosa Parks of County Commissioner Meetings regarding parking fines, boldly stood up to this oppression via scientific terms of astrophysics by declaring Mayfield a racist. Good for him. It's about time someone took a stand by exposing how the unbelievably offensive term "black hole" paints a negative stigma on the African-American community. Hopefully next meeting he'll address how antiquated it is to refer to quarks as "colored".

RepubliKKKunts

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself the question, "How in the name of science do so many people choose to be so fucking stupid?" But the reason why I ask myself that question tends to vary each day.

Most days, the objects of my fascination are KKKristians. As the popular saying goes, Christianity really is the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The list of hilarity that these fucktards subscribe to is endless. Many of them believe that if you chant magic Latin phrases over a Triscuit, that Triscuit turns into zombie-flesh, while a cup of Mad Dog 20/20 turns into zombie blood. I'm not even making this shit up. You can't make this shit up.

But many days the objects of my derision and scorn are members or supporters of the Republican Party, or RepubliKKKunts. Now, I'm no militant Democrat. In fact, I've never been a registered member of any party until this year. This year I registered as a Democrat to support Barack Obama, like anyone with half a brain should. (Don't worry, Rhinoq. Yours is in the mail you lovable cunt.)




But seriously, what position does the Republican Party take on any issue that is even remotely close to being worth agreeing with? I checked out their website so you don't have to. (Don't give them the hits. Plus they're probably tracking visitors with high-tech surveillance equipment anyways.) The first thing I see when I click on "issues" to come up with the points in this blog is a giant picture of George W. Bush. Really? You're still fucking supporting this guy? (That's how you use italics, motherfuckers!) It's tempting to have a first thought of, "How does a party that wants to win a Presidential election have a fucking picture of George Bush at the top of their mission statement page? The guy's got an approval rating lower than herpes!" But then when you realize that elections don't matter when you buy them or steal them (see Gore, Al and Kerry, John/Florida, Ohio) you remember that they could up put a picture of Hitler giving your mother herpes and it wouldn't fucking matter.

Anyways, let's go through, one by one, their "issues" to find out where they stand.

1.) Faith and Values - Just the simple fact that this is their number one issue tells you how fucked up these people are. Working on the economy, peace in the Middle East, and education? None of those are as important as believing in the aforementioned cosmic Jewish zombie. Cause remember, it's not just important to have a faith. You've got to have their faith. Anyways, here's the mission of the "Faith and Values" group:

Conservative values are at the heart of the Republican Party, and the hard work of conservatives was integral to the historic Republican successes in 2000, 2002, and 2004. President Bush has sought to create a culture of life in this county and has worked for opportunities to strengthen the family. The Republican National Committee's Conservative Team Leader outreach regularly engages with conservative activists from across the country, working together to further a national agenda promoting free markets, limited government, and stronger families and communities.

Bolding mine. See, these people can't even pretend to talk about Jebus without getting into their "free" market bullshit. Which, of course, is the heart of these greedy billionaire fuckfaces' agenda. Privatize everything with minimal regulations so the rich get richer and richer at the expense of the peasant class. (You know, the other 96% of us.)

2.) Education - This group doesn't have a mission statement, but lists the following five "Education Issues."

•A new high school initiative to help states hold high schools accountable for
teaching all students and to provide effective interventions for those students
who are not learning at grade level.

•Increasing reading skills for America’s striving readers by providing a focus on improving the reading skills of high school students who read below grade level.

•Accelerating mathematics and science achievement dedicated to support projects to accelerate the mathematics achievement of all secondary students, and especially
low-achieving students.

•Accelerating student achievement with Advanced Placement and International Baccalaureate.

•Promoting Scholastic Achievement with State Scholars

What a bunch of fucking shit. They're just listing the reasons that schools exist in the first place! "Striving readers?" What the fuck is that?

3.) Energy - Well this is the party after all that decided that the creators of our energy policy ought to be Enron and Haliburton. Need I say more? It's a known fact that the Republican Party is 72% crude oil. These people eat coal and shit diamonds. They hunt penguins to make their bodies into aerosol cans. Here are their "issues"

• The President's Advanced Energy Initiative promotes America's four main
sources of electricity: coal, nuclear, natural gas, and renewable sources.

• Nuclear Power is abundant and affordable, clean, and safe.

• President Bush is encouraging the research and development of
Clean-Coal technologies, which is by far America’s most abundant and affordable
energy resource.

• President Bush's FY2007 budget proposed $44 million in funding for wind
energy research and other alternative and renewable resources.

Does anybody not born yesterday buy this nonsense? $44 million for alternative energy? Are you fucking kidding me? That's the average Joe-24 pack equivalent of $4.32. That can't even buy a pack of cigarettes. It just sounds like a big number to all of you dipshits out there that thinks it means something.

4.) Healthcare - Remember also that the party's healthcare platform was written by Merck, Pfizer, and the insurance companies. So you know it's got your best interests in mind.

•The President's plan will help more Americans afford health insurance by
reforming the tax code with a standard deduction for health insurance - like the
standard deduction for dependants.

•The Affordable Choices Initiative will help make basic private health
insurance available and will provide additional help to Americans who cannot
afford insurance.

•These two policies will work together to help more Americans afford basic
private coverage...

•The President's proposal will lower taxes for millions of Americans who
now purchase health insurance on their own, making their insurance more
affordable.

Classic RepubliKKKunt hooey. Give you some bullshit tax deduction to buy you off. When you get that extra $200 in your tax return, you're bound to forget about your $500 monthly premium, $10,000 surgery bill and $400 monthly prescription costs! (Where are they getting the money to cover this deduction, by the way? Aren't we already trillions of dollars in debt?)

5.) Jobs and Economy - Finally, the most important issue in the eyes of the overwhelming majority of voters gets some love at number five! •Restraining spending by the Federal Government.

•Working with Congress to pass legislation that promotes economic growth - including making his tax cuts permanent.

•Reforming the institutions fundamental to American society, so that they can meet the realities of our new century.

•Strengthening high schools and the secondary education system.

Restraining spending? How about ending a trillion dollar needless illegal war? Permanent tax cuts? Great if you're a Fortune 500 company or CEO. What the fuck kind of meaningless corporate-speak is "reforming the institutions fundamental to American society, so that they can meet the realities of our new century?" Bullshit jargon. How can anybody take that seriously? It doesn't even mean anything. And the last one falls under education you greedy corporate cunts.

6.) Legal Reform - This is a nice one. Easy to read between the lines here:

•Securing the ability of injured patients to get quick, unlimited compensation for their "economic losses," including the loss of ability to provide unpaid services like care for children or parents.

•Ensuring recoveries for non-economic damages do not exceed a reasonable amount
($250,000).

•Reserving punitive damages for egregious cases where they are justified, and limiting damages to reasonable amounts.

As anyone born prior to July 16th, 2008 can see, the translation to American is, "Protect our corporate masters from responsibility for paying for their mistakes, because they deserve their billions, and Americans deserve nothing better than a kick to the crotch."

7.) Nominations - There are no issues listed under this category, so I can only assume it means, "Pressure all aging Republican judges to resign or retire before the end of the Bush administration so we can get very young Republican judges nominated and maintain a stranglehold on the Justice system forever." (See Roberts, John.)

8.) Safety and Security - Issues:

•Strengthening our Military.

•Deploying a missile defense system.

•Strengthening our ties NATO.

•Protecting the homeland and achieving a sustained level of success and progress in Iraq.

Just come out and say it: Securing our financial interests around the world. Getting oil from poor Arab nations and building up our defense contractors so that they make billions in profits and give us jobs when we "retire," or, "join the private sector."

9.) Social Security - Don't make me laugh. Or cry and vomit. I haven't even read the issues yet to copy/paste them over here, but I'm assuming it has to do with privatization, aka, greedy corporatocracy. Let's have a gander:

•In 1950, there were 16 workers to support every one beneficiary of Social
Security. Today, there are only 3.3 workers supporting every Social Security
beneficiary.

•In 2008 - baby boomers will begin to retire.

•Under the current system, today's 30-year-old worker will face a 26%
benefit cut when he or she reaches normal retirement age.

Well, that doesn't say that at all. In fact, it doesn't really say anything that we don't know. There must be something else...

•President Bush is committed to keeping the promise of Social Security and
is confident we will succeed.

•Favors legislation that calls for voluntary personal accounts as a part of
a comprehensive solution.

•The Republican party wants to see Social Security permanently strengthened
without raising payroll taxes and will not change benefits for today's retirees
or near-retirees.

Ah, there it is. These people (rightly) believe that American Dipshits will just rabble incessantly about taxes not realizing that when you take a socialized system and turn it over to a private entity, what happens? The private entity wants profit. When profit comes into the picture, do you really think costs are going to go fucking down? Of course not. But most of you idiots believe this horseshit, and are willing to pay lower taxes (which will never happen anyways) so you can give billions to our largest financial institutions. What is wrong with you fucking people?

10.) Tax Reform - They saved this one for last, even though they use it as their biggest weapon when attacking us godless liberals. On the surface, one might tend to agree with them. Who doesn't want lower taxes?

•Restraining spending by the Federal Government.

•Reforming the tax code, as the President believes that America's taxpayers
deserve, and our future economic prosperity demands, a simpler, fairer, more
pro-growth system.

•Taxes should be applied fairly, and reform should recognize the importance
of homeownership and charity in our American society.

What the fuck is this nonsense about homeownership and charity? Typical bullshit, but they go on:

•Working to make the Bush tax cuts permanent, both for individuals and for small businesses.

•Working to prevent Congress from raising taxes on small businesses that will hurt economic growth and job creation.

•As a first step in reforming the code, the President has created a bipartisan panel to advise the Secretary of the Treasury on options to reform the tax code.

Doesn't the dumbest American realize by now that the Bush tax cuts benefit only the richest 1% of the cunt tree? I love how they portray "Congress" (read: Democrats) as people who want to raise taxes on "small" businesses. Right. Little mom and pop shops like Exxon-Mobil and Merck.

So there you have it. All Republicans are cunts, though not all cunts are necessarily Republicans. Christians are cunts, too. Though most of them are Republicans. How can so many people be so fucking stupid?