No Random Events

Professional athletes say the damnedest things. Yankees third baseman and Madonna-boinker Alex 'A-Rod' Rodriguez yesterday hit his 537th career home run, passing Mickey Mantle on the all-time Yankees' list.

Mr. Rod achieved this feat on the same day former Yankee centerfielder Bobby Ray Murcer kicked the bucket, succumbing to brain cancer. Murcer, 62, had succeeded Mantle on the Yankees in 1969, the year Mantle retired (having succumbed to Scotch-taped knees and Homeric alcoholism).

Rodriguez sees the cosmic connection:

“From what I understand, he was supposed to be the next Mickey Mantle,” Rodriguez said of Murcer. “There are no random events. I’m sure it’s a sign, somehow, the day that I pass Mantle. Bobby will be watching us. He’ll be cheering on the Yankees for all time."

That sounds like a shitty way to spend eternity. Actually, cheering on the lackluster Yankees this season feels like a frigging eternity.

Speaking of events not random, Rodriguez must see the connection between his deteriorating marriage and his affiliation with deteriorating pop star Madonna. Similarly, her marriage to fake film director Guy Ritchie is also in the crapper, possibly because she found a new bat boy in A-Rod.

Word is the Yankees slugger is not actually schtupping Madonna, but that he, like Madonna, has been dabbling in Kabbalah. Why these grossly overpaid goyim get sucked into a Jewish numerology cult is beyond me. Maybe the cosmic connections are really all about numbers: Mantle, Murcer, and Rodriguez all were the highest paid Yankees. (Madonna is worth about $600 million.)

There are twelve names ahead of Rodriguez on the all-time homer list, and it is widely believed he will surpass the lot of them if he stays healthy (a dubious proposition, if he's banging Madonna). If there are mystical connections, expect tragedies to befall each athlete or their successors as the records topple.